Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job