Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
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going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer