I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
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Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
#StillHurts
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
5 ways to appear taller
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.