People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
What
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up