Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
You Might Also Like
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.