Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
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A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Oh. My. God.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
They also CAN sing✌️
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.