I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
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I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.