Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
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If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.