Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter