I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…