If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”