Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
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The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
your honor my client chooses dare
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Has science gone too far?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now