20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I feel seen.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.