I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
The prophecy is fulfilled
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”