If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
You Might Also Like
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
😆this is so true
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day