FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
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Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert