My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
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this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Breaking news:
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.