Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Facebook memories be like
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely