Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
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As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Not all heroes wear capes…
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”