The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
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Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Born to be mild.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.