[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
You Might Also Like
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Vodka burrito was a success
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”