“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Covid like
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
how to have an accident 101
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”