At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*