[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
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I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
every single time
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
this FaceApp is creepy af
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
excuse me
😂😂
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.