Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Smile Twitter, Smile.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
The two types of wives