I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
This hospital has everything
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much