can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
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A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.