After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
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Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either