Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.