cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
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I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
screw you
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating