“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
You Might Also Like
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
The point of your 20s
this is literally a CIA plant
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
the red hot silly peppers
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.