[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
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Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?