Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.