Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32