I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
everyone has that one prude friend
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.