National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
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adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅