ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
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I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
three things we don’t talk about
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
#Caturday
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]