How dude HOW?!
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– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.