May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Chicken bread
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.