People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
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Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”