6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.