Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
multitasking lunch
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll