The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.