Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
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I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Krampus.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks