If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
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I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I created you as mosquito food.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…