1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.