Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Meow
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
A dad and his duck
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*jazz hands*
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
meanwhile over on facebook
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human