Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
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7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me