<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
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I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
jesus christ confetti not now
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Left at a local drug store…
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.