Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
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Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
my first day as a raccoon
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Sticker placement is key.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Doormats are a gateway rug.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot